Forgive and forget, they say, although some of us have been blessed with very sharp memory skills, and as much as we try, these two actions just don’t come that naturally for us. Every detail of an event creates an imprint in these highly genius systems we call ourselves. Emotionally bland incidences seem to roll off easily, yet the highly emotionally charged memories are here to stay, and no matter how many times we chant the mantra, “I forgive that, I forgive this, I forgive him, I forgive her, I forgive them …;” haunting memories can be triggered in a flash, and attached to those memories are involuntary feelings of anger, panic, fear, hatred and perhaps rage.
While sitting in silence in the ashram, my hart was filled with so much love, compassion, and forgiveness. I forgave everybody, I forgave myself, I forgave and accepted. It was unimaginable that out in the world, the same memories, people and events, behind all that forgiveness could cause emotional reactions of anger and seeking revenge.
The unconscious need for understanding the root of these reactions became visible once I have again removed myself physically from the aggravating situation. With this physical distance, moving into the self becomes much more manageable. Self-work is such a courageous thing to do, and I don’t find that a constantly triggering environment is very supportive of it. it is very hard to do deep work while contantly being triggered.
In doing this work my beliefs about spirituality got challenged. My understanding of the ultimate truth of oneness did no longer provide me with the life skills to prevent anger, blame and revenge. It is identifying with the truth of being human, with individual emotions, individual motives, and an individual path that facilitated the necessary healing. It is acknowledging myself as a small child with emotional needs, that unlocked the memories of long ago where the wounds were created.
Identifying with the dualistic nature of being human, becoming self-centered and self-important allowed the value of myself as human being to come forward, and the need to forgive no longer existed.