Overcome 3 Roadblocks To Orgasm (Women)

Sexual wellness has become a hot topic and even your reserved Instagram friend openly expresses about advanced forms of orgasm, while you are still struggling to just manage the big “O” in its most basic form. 

You simply would like to experience it with your beloved, but something is not quite working as well as you’d like for it to. Other times you’ve experienced it was during self-pleasuring (masturbation,) or with that amazing lover, you had in the past, who turned out to be a seductive, unreliable, sociopathic player, who nearly ruined your life. 

What you really want is to experience the big “O”, in your new, stable, albeit less exciting relationship. You know you can do it, you’ve done it before, but it’s like all a little too real. It feels like a task or an accomplishment you have to achieve to give you peace of mind about your relationship status. The pressure is really on. 

You wish your lover was better skilled, you wish he would just do one thing a little longer, or move just a little faster or slower, or just be more present. You catch yourself analyzing his every movement, so you stop.  

Before long, the mental chatter turns on you. You decide that the problem is you. You must be sexually blocked, all that sexual trauma from the past and the closed-minded upbringing about sex you endured is ruining your sex life. 

When finally you dare to look at your beloved to see if he experiences any of the same, he proudly reaches climax, to your surprise. Not yet out of mental processing mode, you’ve missed the whole experience and your mind immediately turns to blame for your partner’s lack of endurance. Is viagra going to be the next solution?

Sounds familiar? You may be experiencing an all-too-common, roadblock to orgasm. Don’t worry. Having an open-minded approach to this slight hurdle will have you back on track with bountiful confidence in the bedroom, which will spill over into every aspect of your life.

So here are 3 roadblocks and how to overcome them. 

  1. You’re trying too hard. 

Putting too much pressure on yourself to achieve an orgasm can only be experienced in one part of your body, and that is your head. You’ve probably already heard that you are supposed to be feeling rather than thinking and that didn’t work. 

Most over-thinkers find it difficult to switch from thinking to feeling, where the real magic lies, so here is a middle way:

Use your imagination. Visualize, fantasize, create your dream scene and focus intently on it while your body follows its innate wisdom. At first, it may feel inauthentic, like you are cheating, but as you warm up to the sensations of enjoyment, I can ensure you that the guilt will drop away with ease. 

  1. You’re not participating.

If you are a pre-millennial, much of what you learned about sex growing up, wasn’t actually taught. As much as you think of yourself to be an empowered, liberated woman, deep down you still believe that you should be pursued, that your partner should know what to do, and that “asking for it” is shameful. 

So here is how to “ask for it” in the most subtle, yet powerful way. If you find yourself lying motionless, while your beloved is in action all by himself, try the following:

A.) Start breathing a little louder. Allow an audible sound to escape.

B.) Move your hips back and forth, at exactly the same rate as your breathing.

C.) Apply a pelvic squeeze on each in-breath.

  1. You’re not sensitized.

Not being aroused enough can be the result of psychological interference or trauma, however, most of the time, it simply stems from lack of clitoral stimulation. 75% of women do not reach orgasm through penetrative intercourse alone. The trick is really to extend foreplay and clitoral stimulation for as long as possible and then a little more, before intercourse. 

In a hurry? With the help of sexual enhancement toys, such as vibrators, you’re bound to reach the big O, within the 11-minute timeframe. 

It is true that we are all unique individuals with bountiful creativity that expresses in the most distinctive ways. It is also true that most of our bodies work in very similar ways and can be trusted to respond to stimuli in a predicted manner. Trust your body to know what to do. It will guide you if you let it.

The clitoris is the only organ in the body with no other purpose than pleasure.

The following statement is often found in magazines, social media statements and advocated even by medical professionals and sexologists:

“The clitoris is a female sex organ with more than 8000 nerve endings, with the sole purpose of pleasure. “

Feminists sure love to share this information, claiming victory over their rivals. However, in this article I will explain why the latter part of this statement is not only false, but also damaging to you as a woman and potentially harmful to society at large. 

Out in the Safari Bush of Natal, I am aware that nature is not wasteful. Every part of it fits almost miraculously into another, so much so that even what us humans interpret as bad, shameful or sorry, is a colossal celebration by another part of its composition.

So I think to myself, if nature created “pleasure,” what would that specific purpose be for?

The anatomy and physiology of pleasure: 

The clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ. The glans at the top forms the external, pea-shaped structure, covered by a fold of skin, called the hood.  The body of the clitoris splits into two legs, attached to vestibular bulbs, both containing erectile tissue which swells during arousal. In a sense, the clitoris can be thought of as a small penis, divided in half. The swelling of the crura (two legs) and vestibular bulbs increase lubrication of the vaginal canal, allowing for timely, safe penetration.

In 2005 Australian urologist Helen O’Connell introduced the anatomy of the clitoris, gathered from the micro-dissection of cadavers, to the public. We trust her work to be valid and true. As far our simplified physiology explanation, we believe that it is a perfectly safe experiment to try at home and validate.

Typically, in an unaroused state and in the absence of an engorged clitoris, the labia are slightly pressed together, forming a protective cover over the vaginal opening. Without sufficient lubrication to the vaginal wall, penetration can cause tearing, inflammation and irritation, while also destroying natural bacteria. Not only does such “dry sex” damage the epithelium (skin cells) of the vagina it increases the likelihood of infection with sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and Herpes.

Penetration without sufficient arousal is simply not safe! 

If this alone doesn’t convince you how important the role of the clitoris is during arousal and during intercourse, please read on.

Wikipedia describes rape as sexual penetration carried out without consent and with physical force. If we as society is against rape, how can we advocate that sexual penetration without clitoral stimulation is acceptable? If “the only” purpose of the clitoris is considered to be pleasure, then we are indeed saying that forceful entry at a physical level is acceptable. Sexual penetration without preparation, does require force.

Yes, I am indeed saying that by advocating pleasure as the only purpose of the clitoris, we are making clitoral stimulation an OPTIONAL part of intercourse, thus advocating the acceptability of forceful entry.

If you are a true feminist, or simply care about he women in your life, please STOP being amused by popular “fact.” Start questioning where these beliefs come from, who wrote the text books teaching them and what motivated them to do so. Why replace your personal needs by popular opinion, presented as fact?

You deserve to know better. Your lover deserves to know better. Clitoral stimulation is an absolutely necessary and natural part of physical intimacy. It is not optional, nature designed every part of us with purpose. The clitoris has a highly important purpose in the act of procreation, love-making and intimacy. 

I am a certified holistic sex educator and educating, empowering and inspiring our intimate partners, is something I am passionate about. Join me by empowering yourself with knowledge and get your deepest needs met. 

Better Sex Through Mindfulness

The root chakra is at the base of our spine and can be impacted by physical, sexual shock and trauma, which is actually quite common. Apart from the energetic effects of a closed root center,  a closed-off pelvis can result in painful sex for women, premature ejaculation for men and/or erectile difficulty. 

On a metaphysical level, the root chakra is associated with our sense of safety and belonging. When we have beliefs around sex; that it is unsafe or wrong, or that it is transactional for protection, or for financial and emotional security, we can develop holding patterns in our bodies that manifests as sexual dysfunction. Statistically, some of the most common sexual challenges we experience, are lack of desire, lubrication difficulty, physical pain and discomfort.

Sexual pleasure, the one human gift that is independent of economic & social status, race, religion or age, can become an impossible goal. In some cases, it can even become a chore or cause of anxiety. Rather than enjoying sexual pleasure, we endure the moment, is dissociated from our bodies, praying that it will be over soon.

Luckily there is a way out of discomfort and into enjoyment through some simple exercises. 

By changing your beliefs about safety, boundaries, right and wrong, you can experience your body in a more free and loving way. By experiencing your body in a more open and accepting way, you can change your beliefs and expectation.

In a Sexual Sensations Awareness Exercise  from the book “Better sex through mindfulness” by Lori. A Brotto, PhD, Lori guides us through a series of mindfulness practices whilst in the state of arousal. To prepare for this practice, be sure that you won’t be disturbed. This is a solo practice, using sexual arousal as healing tool. It is important that you view it thus, as a sacred appointment with yourself.se a tool for sexual arousal, such as fantasy, a vibrator or erotic art. The purpose of this practice is to elicit  arousal, observe how it feels in an aroused state and to pair it up with a mindfulness exercise to know what it feels like when you pay attention.

2. Lie on your bed in a relaxed, open position. Observe your breathing and the sensations in your body, and perhaps the sensations of your heart, such as the speed and the intensity of it.

3. Now focus the sensations on your facial expression, muscles and sensations in your face and then move your attention down your body, past your chest, your breasts and belly. Down to your pelvic area. You may wish to tune in to sensations in your genitals.

4. Allow your focus of attention to rest gently on the entire region of the vulva and vagina. Notice the individual sensations in this area of the body, as each emerges, lingers and fades away.

Try to become aware of how your genitals feel moment to moment, without judgement.

5. As you pay attention to these sensations in various areas, pay attention to notice whether you are experiencing them as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. Do you like the sensations and want to keep your attention focussed on them, or do you dislike them and want to push those sensations away. Simply take note of what that urge feels like and continue to observe the sensations in your body without touching your body.

6. Once again expand your awareness to the whole body and feel the rush of excitement, tingling or warmth right through your body. When you are ready. Open your eyes.