I trust myself

To trust oneself, is a difficult concept to grasp, which is most likely why the concept seldomly gets understood beyond embodiment-lacking, self-improvement affirmations. Since “myself” is made up of so many various parts, when we say that we trust ourselves, it is necessary that we go into the details of it in order to understand what it means.

To trust oneself, one has to get out of victimhood-mentality.

Victimhood – mentality can develop from racial differences, socio-economic differences, gender differences, sexual orientation differences; or as result of being bullied, abused, raped, imprisoned. It can develop through an unlucky event, an accident, an unexpected bankruptcy, a toxic relationship. It can be societal, generational, and can even be location-specific.  When we have been conditioned with victimhood-mentality, we see life as an unfair orchestration, where the bad guys win with their nonchalant power. 

With a victimhood-mindset, even when we choose to leave situations, we will look back and feel taken advantage of. We will look back at precious relationships, and see how we have been a doormat, a convenient use. We will look back at things we did and label it as a waste, since we didn’t get anything out of it. We will feel cheated with our time, our input and resources. We will refuse to admit that those who were with us, truly loved us, we will refuse to admit that we left situations out of free will, because we saw something better for ourselves, we will refuse to admit that where we are, is actually where we want to be. 

Because our sense of self-worth is not given any opportunity to exist, we will naturally find ways to dismiss even the slightest opportunity for recognition to ourselves and our decisions. This happens so deeply that we are completely unaware of it. 

Thus, when you say: “I trust myself,” you are actually saying that you are exactly where you want to be, you have chosen this project, or that situation, AND THUS it is good; then there is no more possibility to blame, to find excuses, or to diminish yourself in it. Then it is not by accident or coincidence that things are happening. Then you are no longer subject to some imaginary god or universe outside of you, be it a good one or a bad one, to govern your way. 

With this short line, and the embodiment of it, meaning the part where you recognize “and thus it is good,” you are at the beginning of creation. Although, if you are coming from a trauma body, one of victimhood, then that is a topic for another time, as the greatness of it can be overwhelming. 

Of course change is scary, and letting go of a feeling that has always been there, in this case the feeling of fear that masks true empowerment will probably not just disappear with one short realization. Yet, taking the courage to experience, just once, what it feels like to trust yourself, will surely plant more seeds and the process would have started.

May we all live embodied empowerment.

Writing and Publishing a book on Amazon.

So, I published a little book on Amazon.

Part memoir, part educational text,  Mindfulness Journey in Africa follows my journey while living in a Vipassana meditation center. I share some of my most memorable moments, experiences, and take-aways.

During my time there, or shall I say, as a result of my time there, I concluded that sometimes we follow the bright light of enlightenment to find an even brighter light when we acknowledge our place in the world.

Having a meditation practice does give a person so much insight into their interactions, relationships and engagement with life. Yet, we practice meditation to enhance our lives, and for a while there I was obsessed with having the perfect life to support my meditation.

Writing this book has given me so much clarity on my own spirituality and while there is so much to be figured out every day, I am wondering what in your life can benefit from some clarity. Perhaps you can write your own memoir on some aspect of your life.

My transformative journey  has taught me great lessons – lessons I hopes to share with others. What I have learnt most though is that while we all have our personal challenges, experiences and lessons, when we share it with the world, we learn and benefit most from it.

For many, mindfulness is something mysterious and unattainable, but if you follow the teachings, embrace what it has to teach you, and commit to making a conscious effort to try, you just might be pleasantly surprised. In Mindfulness Journey in Africa, I invite readers to explore the nuances, immerse themselves in a journey and lessons, and consider taking a spiritual adventure of your own.

With this book, you’ll be able to:

  • See the life-changing events as I experienced them.
  • Ponder meaningful questions about your life and the world around you.
  • Put together a plan to begin your own journey
  • And more!

Even if you’re never considered Vipassana meditation before or you’ve tried to embrace it and failed, I hope that my journey and the lessons I learned will inspire you to try again or to go on a spiritual adventure of your own.

Much love and blessings to you all.

My year at a Vipassana Center: How it came about II

On Mettā-day, the purpose of this whole technique is taught, or this is how I feel about it at least. For 9 days we’d been deprogramming ourselves to have a clear mind by day 10. This is important, because whatever thoughts, wishes and desires are there with you on this day, is likely to be with you for much longer than you may anticipate.
For the 10-day duration of the course, all meals are prepared and served very punctually for the participants. Generally the food tastes amazing and is very nutritious. Some days I’d sit and dream about too cooking for large group of people. What an honor I thought it must be to feed and nourish many. How rewarding it must be to provide deep care, deep nurturing and to ad an element of unexpected value to the life of another, I thought.
Occasionally during the course a quiet, but interesting looking person would enter the meditation hall to meditate with us. Sometimes I used to see him pass by my hut to the property next door. He must be working there, involved with the operations of the center. Should I try and speak with him after the course? He must be interesting to speak with.
I never did speak to the mysterious wonderer, but I received a phone call from him about a month or two after my course, to know if I’d be available to help out during the next course. I said yes. I arrived, I was put in the kitchen. We were only a few, so we all learnt at a steep learning curve. By Mettā-day, day 10, finally we’d have a handle on things and could enjoy the calmness that came with this day.
Walking to throw out the compost just before 6 am one Mettā-day morning, I watched the full moon hanging close to the earth. I had never felt so much contentment, fulfillment, purpose and belonging in my life and so I looked at the moon feeling at one with her, as if she’s just an extension of me not very far away and I said: “I want to come back.
I had not yet learnt the manifesting power of these Mettā Days. The next month I was back in the kitchen, and also the month thereafter.
When an older student asked me if I wouldn’t like to come help out at the center long term I said: “I’d love to, but……. there is life
Have you ever heard the saying that anything before the “but” in a sentence makes it redundant? Well this was the opposite. My heart confessed its truth before the “but”and only the truth was heard. Before I knew it I was back in the kitchen, this time to stay for an extended period of time.
However, there was only one problem… I was in strong resistance to the teacher S.N. Goenka.  His voice bugged me, his way of speaking bugged me, and he seemed way to overpowering to my liking. I’d hear people talk about him as a big teddy bear, but I got none of that.
On my first night of a being long-term server, I sat on my bed, not quite sure what to do with this lack of regard for the main teacher of the technique. Of course he lived in India, it was not like I was going to run into him at any time, but it didn’t feel right being at the property without admiration for the person who created the very opportunity.  That night I had a dream. S. N. Goenka was in it. He sat on my bed, simply looking at me. His eyes were as shiny as they appear on all his photos in the books, only much, much more, like beams of light it looked straight into mine. I woke up the next morning with nothing but love for him, and that stayed.

My year at a Vipassana Center: How it came about I

We were all siting at 142 Lea Bridge Road, London, a place of cultural get-together, free exploration and all kinds of young hearted shenanigans. My introverted nature did not put me at the forefront of events, yet I was part of the mix, due to my newly found connection, Shiv – an overtly expressive, dashingly charming, attractive and convincing young Indian man. What he was describing seemed like some rite of passage, some challenge or test, that only those with true conviction can survive. It wasn’t until he said the words “complete silence for ten days” that my attention fully merged with his delivery. “That sounds cool,” I thought to myself. “I have to try it one day.”
Soon after, I spent a year in India, traveling to various parts, including the Himalayan Mountains. In a place called Parvati Valley, where days were met with a customary charras (Indian hashish) culture, I spent a lot of alone time walking through the mountain-top forest. During some of those walks I recall hearing the voice of a male, chanting ancient-like sounds, sounds I would only recognize some time later during my first ten day retreat.
It is said that those who have the calling of Vipassana from a previous lifetime cannot resist upon finding it in a current lifetime. When the seed has been planted, it must grow.
From India I went back to Cape Town, where I had to make the switch back to real life. My life there felt in contrast to my yearning for spiritual fulfillment and even though my practice of Tai Chi and Qigong, which I almost religiously held on to, was a savings grace, something was pulling on me.
One night, I found myself suddenly sitting upright in my bed. It was time to try this Vipassana thing.
Arriving at the retreat center you are assigned a bed and a small space to unpack the limited belongings you brought with you. You are requested to make do with what is given and not a have unreasonable expectations for luxurious accommodation. The retreat center is about an hour outside of Cape Town at the foot of a mountain slope in a beautiful natural setting.
I regretted that the sleeping bag I packed in to sleep in was not enough. In stark contrast to the attitude of abundance I now know is at the core of Vipassana, I felt inhibited to ask for an extra blanket to keep me warm at night.
At lights-off time, I relaxed into the warmth of my body through my mind, while in fact it was absolutely freezing cold. During the day I would work diligently as suggested by the teacher. There was no switching off for me, my mind was at constant awareness in relaxing into what was. I look back now, and think of this discomfort at night as one of the reasons the technique caught hold on me so strongly. Here’s why:
Towards the end of the course you are guided to direct your awareness, observing a rapid flow of energy through your whole body. One night I was lying in bed, still unable to differentiate between mental effort and mental observation. I applied my, then, very concentrated mind to this task of observing the flow of energy. (In actuality this is rapidly observing the energy as it is naturally, appearing as a rapid flow.)
Every time I applied strong effort, the wind would pass by in a gust, to stop as quickly as my my mental effort did. I experimented with this for some time. Was it real? Was I imagining things? Was I manipulating the weather? I was astounded at how this could be and even though I knew it was real, the I did not exclude the possibility of being in a disillusioned trap of the mind. I knew it was real, though. The confirmation would come many months later.
The next day was Mettā-day. The silence would be broken and we’d engage in light communication with the other participants. I had just started enjoying the new world inside, only accessible through silence, which was now sadly coming to and end.
Yet, I was curious. What was the others’ experiences like?
To be continued.

My year at a Vipassana Center: Introduction

What many of you may not know about me, is that I spent a year living at a Vipassana center. For those of you who know Vipassana, don’t freak out. It does not mean that for 365 days I was meditating 11 hours a day, as we do at the 10-day retreats, however there are some pretty strict guidelines for staying at a Vipassana retreat center, which I will outline later. During this time, I’d seen quite a number of students come and go as they participated in the meditation retreats. Many of them were interested in my life there, what I was doing, experiencing and observing, as I was interested in theirs.
I have had some insightful experiences and some more light-hearted stories to share too. I thus decided to write about these in a few blog posts, highlighting some of the incidents I remember. For those who are unfamiliar with the Vipassana technique and organization, I here is a short summary. The rest you can read up on at www.dhamma.org
Vipassana is a meditation technique, believed to be the exact technique Guatama Buddha discovered enlightenment through. It means to see the reality for what is, without delusion, fantasy, and falsehood. It is the technique to release suffering which is a result of our attachment to the world we perceive as real. The technique is taught by S.N. Goenka on 10-day silent retreats, during which very specific instructions are given in specific order to learn the technique.
Vipassana centers are found worldwide and are funded and managed entirely by volunteers. Donations in the form of service or money are only accepted from those who have completed a ten day retreat under the guidance of an assistant teacher. During periods of service, a server is expected to maintain a minimum of 3 hours meditation per day. Reading material is limited to that issued by the Vipassana Research Organization. Strict segregation of men and women during meal times are maintained, and in general, conversation is asked to mostly be limited to functional communication.
Persons volunteering their time as dāna (a Pali word for donation) contribute to the atmosphere of the center by keeping their thoughts and emotions clear, if not, filled with love and appreciation, compassion and peace at all times. The Pali word to describe this offering is called “mettā” (loving-kindness.)
In the lives of Vipassana students in general and on all Vipassana centers the following precepts are to be observed at all times: 1. To abstain from killing or harming others. 2. To abstain from stealing, or taking what is not given. 3, To abstain form telling lies or wrongful speech, 4. To abstain from sexual misconduct, 5. To abstain from all intoxicants.
I hope this gives you sone insight into the setup of a Vipassana Center. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you. The way these stories are written, is with the intention to have each individual event read as individual story, however in actuality all of them very much makes sense consecutively, as elements build upon each other and the understanding of events, lessons and occurrences very much flows into the context of another.
Read about how my year at the Vipassana center came about in the next post.
Photo credit: @wellnessstockkphoto

My biggest spiritual realization.

We all can be a little hard on ourselves. How often do we think that we should have figured this or that out by now, or that surely we should have been more successful here or there, had we just made better choices.
Don’t we all wonder at times whether we should be doing more, or whether we should back off, and this evaluation process we become just a little frustrated with ourselves and the level of progress?Ok, maybe not all of us deal with these internal judgements, but I am pretty sure that a large number of us do.
After being dedicated to spiritual pursuits for so many years, and still not “having it figured out“, the spiritual ego can start chipping away at our self-confidence for not having maintained a certain level of happiness, for making bad choices, causing  emotional dips or for misaligning our thoughts, resulting in feeling depressed at times.
This actually has nothing to do with the spiritual ego, because a person dedicating so many years to business pursuits and still doesn’t have that successful business to show has the very same internal voice, so does the artist who keeps on creating and still is unseen and misunderstood.
Now you may say that we all know that happiness lies inside and that spirituality has to do with finding happiness inside while continuing with what you are doing. The business enthusiast simply has to focus his attention on feeling good inside and trusting that the universe will provide. This is spirituality, this is the true practice and then his business will flourish, not that it would matter, because he would have found happiness.
You may say that the artist’s focus should be on the fulfillment he gets from the actual creating, not from the recognition he gets. This would be his practice and the enjoyment of his work will reach the public through the vibration he project, and the by-product of his enjoyment would be recognition and resonance.
What is the obvious answer in the pursuit of spiritual fulfillment?
Be happy and you won’t go through emotional dips anymore? I have heard this taught. I have seen rooms full of elated spiritual seekers forcing bliss upon themselves making inner promises to be in bliss from now on always. When your elated, you project good energy to the world and the world will meet you back with good energy. Which is true.
However, often what happens is, we’re not able to maintain an elated state of mind. We feel like we’ve failed. Our confidence gets crushed a little, we maintain a happy face for the sake of it and the gap between what we feel and what we show increases.
Spirituality is NOT about being happy all the time. In fact being happy is the by-product of living according to spiritual values, it is not the goal or the practice. Being fulfilled is what happens naturally when we live in accordance to the higher truth that we are not our experience, we are not our thoughts, we are not our mind.
Anything can happen to anyone. Your circumstance may be shit or it may be great. Yet you are not your circumstance, you are not your experience. You are not your mind, even if you have a mind that likes to create wonderful things. You are an infinite being, not as some new agey concept, but in actuality.
Thus approach every part of your experience with NO judgment, and with a deeper knowing that you are perfectly where you’re supposed to on all levels, to be met at a place where you can most effectively overcome your sense of separation and create a greater sense of love and connection.
Whatever difficulty you experience, there is no judgment. You have not failed at being a spiritually enlightened being. It is impossible to fail at, because each experience is only there to facilitate your understanding that you are not your experience. Your experiences will persist until you come to true understanding of the nature of it.
With this knowing there is a deeper sense of happiness that doesn’t necessary look like a happy face all the time, but that feels so calm and peaceful to be around with.
Be really accepting. Be really patient. Be really compassionate towards your every experience as it passes and take that break to feel true peace and love and harmony before again following your mind to the next experience it wishes to create.


Tantra is such a big topic that I dare not attempt to convey my understanding of it in one blog post. While tantra for me personally usually refers to certain Tibetan Buddhist Practices, there is no denying the fact that the words mostly associated with the word tantra is sex, maybe even conscious sex or sacred sexuality, which of course are variable terms that can have as many definitions as there are human beings. We, after all, have varying degrees  of sacred experience, sexual experience and conscious awareness.
For some tantra means breathing heavily, exuding glottal moans, while shaking out their bodily numbness on a ten day retreat. For another it may mean dancing sensually and shamelessly so, which is the purpose of the dance, to eliminate shame and inhibitions and become liberated in sexual expression. We all have our own unique way of approaching sexuality. As far as the purpose of this post, it is only to relay some of my own experiences with regards to the topic, so I suppose this is the kind of “tantra” I’d like to write about – an approach to sexuality.
It is said that sex is the seed of consciousness. It is said the kundalini energy arises from the perineum, the base of the spine, upwards to reach the crown center, where it has become a form of pure consciousness as apposed to the expression of the primal needs of the lower centers.
It is said that sexual energy can express itself in any form. It starts with a mere spark of excitement, from there it can express itself to the act of sexual intercourse, or sensual intercourse. It can move a notch up to a different kind of sensual interaction, a dance, a delicious meal, an appreciation for the scent of a flower. Or, the inspiration can become a thought, an idea that gets developed, it can become a poem, an expression of the heart for the goodness of all, it can become a cause for the greater, an public announcement of some sort, or a vision for the future, perhaps a prayer of grace for all that is. Yes, it is said, that this mere energy which we call sexual energy has the potential to be anything.
And yet, we are very primal beings. For most of us, sexual energy refers to that which leads up the the act of sex, and nothing wrong, there is so much self-growth that can happen in just this realm alone.
For me, sex has always been about becoming more comfortable with myself and allowing for the most intimate experience I am capable of. When I look at the format of all these tantra retreats, I get the impression that this is the case for most of us.
So I wonder how many people reading this has the memory of using sex as a tool to become aware of and challenge their insecurities. Naturally we do become aware of our insecurities in this intimate sharing, and that is why it is such a great tool to challenge ourselves little by little to overcome them. We get challenged by gross thoughts such as my “my ass is fat,” or “I didn’t shave,” but beyond that the smaller habits of withdrawal; manipulation,  and power plays reveal themselves.
In the ultimate dance between two people, how easy is it to hide behind the more dramatic expression of another, or to rush over the unfamiliar exploration to the familiar end out of fear of how to be in the discovery?
How often we just stick to what we know, rather than to be active in listening and feeling moment by moment to our own bodies? Or sometimes we intellectualize about what the other person may want, need, or feel. This is the easiest way out of the dance… thinking that we care and by thinking rather than feeling really abandoning our partner in the vulnerability of intimacy.
Like this, sex can be a meditation of becoming aware of just when we hold back, or when we are hiding from a deeper desire, or a deeper level of sensitivity perhaps due to shyness, or trying to please another, or something of the kind.
For me, there is this constant reminder of checking in with the authenticity of my presence, which can only be controlled by relaxing my body, my breath, and thus relaxing my mind. Through the act of sex lies the power of transformation for every person to come to their most authentic self and be liberated by it.
The rest of this post is a mere story of synchronicity which brought me closer to some concepts of tantra.
Cape Town, where I used to live in my early twenties have gone through many transformations. During this time it was going through a rough patch and was not particularly safe around many of the areas close to the city center. I was walking through a park one afternoon and since I didn’t have a car, walking longer distances was comfortable for me. Yet that time I became distinctly aware of the fact that the park may not be safe to walk through. I was too far from the entrance to turn back and had to simply make it to the other side.
Naturally various scenarios started playing through my head of what could happen. What would I do if a man with ill intentions meet me from ahead? Will I outsmart him intellectually, pacify him in some way? Maybe, with enough mental preparation, will power and grace that is possible, but what would I do if a whole group of men approach me in a similar manner? There would be nothing I could do.
In such a case I would have to surrender completely. I would have to realize in completion that my body is separate from my wisdom – that which is untouchable. I would have to be as serene as possible to cause myself the least harm, as resistance during conflict usually ends up more ugly than relaxation does.  I would have to access a part of my mind through-out the entire time that my body is occupied, which sends out the vibration of prayer in order for these men to be blessed by consciousness in their doing; for their own actions to become a turning point for the better in their lives through self-awareness.
This whole mindset took some preparation, I can only imagine how focused I must have looked marching my way through the isolated park. Nothing happened, I came out the other way without encountering a single person.
The reason this memory stuck with me is because that very same week I received the recommendation of a book called “Sky Dancer – the secret life and poems of Yeshe Tsogyal”She was one of the first, (actually the first if I have it right) Tibetan students of tantra from the teacher Padmsambhava and is recognized as a female Buddha.
The story goes that she left ran away from home and got raped by 5 men who immediately became her disciples. Of course I could hardly believe what I read it after my own little experience, but I understood that I had undergone an initiation, even though it was only in my mind.
So that is me on sex as meditation and the transformational power of it, as well as sharing a little of my own experiences.
Much love.